One: cut a hole in a box.
Two: put your junk in that box.
Three: make her open the box!
Pineapple Express. Jesus is Gary Cole. Kirk is Seth Rogen.
This is probably one of Jesus’ favorite movies. Every time he cleans the windows (usually Tuesdays), as he pumps the Windex, he says in a high-pitched voice, “Thug life.” Jesus loves Danny McBride. “Every line that guy delivers is a gem.” If you ever get the chance, watch a Danny McBride movie with Jesus—he’ll point the little stuff you never would have noticed without him. Last time I did, Jesus highlighted this piece of McBride gold: “I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow!” Pure genius.
Jesus often says that if he had to do it all over again, he’d be a weed dealer. “None of the hard stuff. Just choice kush.” That’d be the life all right. Of course, Kirk said, “right around 45 you’d probably wake up one day and go, ‘what the fuck did I do with my life?’” Man can Kirk suck the buzz out of a room fast.
Jesus just told him that he was a dip-shit and that no matter what you did—from pro athlete to Senator to Good Humor Man—when you hit 45, you ask that question. “Life’s built that way. You spend half your life living a certain way and then you spend the other half thinking about how you should have done it differently.”
Damn that Jesus…sometimes he’s too damn smart. I was all psyched just imagining myself part of a weed dealing posse and then Jesus drops his mid-life knowledge on us and trashes the whole fantasy all to hell. Fuck that’s gonna sting!
The Breakfast Club. Kirk is Molly Ringwald.
This is one of Kirk’s favorite movies. Ever. He said it totally captures his high school experience. Both Jesus and I just rolled our eyes. “What? It does!” So which one were you, I asked him but I already knew what he’d say. “I’m Bender, man. The Judd Nelson character.” I knew it. Kirk is so predictable.
But Jesus wasn’t buying it. “No way you’re Bender. The wrestler, Emilio’s character, that I see or better yet…Claire. Yes, you’re Molly Ringwald!” Kirk just sat there. He was stunned. It’s not too often that you think you’re like a pimp member of the Brat Pack only to have someone shoot you down and tell you’re actually the bratty princess. I didn’t know if Kirk was going punch Jesus right on his beard or what. But after a moment, Kirk got up and said, “You’re right. That’s exactly who I am. I AM Claire.”
That Jesus, he knew people. It was weird but he just got you. One moment you were saying that you were the rebel dude that no one wanted to fuck with but ol’ Jesus would just look you straight in the eye and tell you were the spoiled little red-headed chick with pouty lips and suddenly you knew it and so did everybody else. He was that good.
That’s when Kirk started to dance. I’ve seen Kirk TRY to dance more than a dozen times. Not pretty. But tonight, something changed. It was like Kirk finally knew who he was. It was beautiful. And just for a second, between a kick and a spin, I’ll be damned if Kirk didn’t look like a slightly less-manish version of Molly Ringwald herself. It was something, I tell you.
Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve.
Goodbye 200fucking9!
So Jesus has been bummed out all week. I get it: Christmas time is not Jesus time!
For anyone, having your birthday on Christmas sucks. But for Jesus, his birthday IS Christmas (and he never lets us forget it!). And then to top it all off, his birthday is the basis for the whole Western Calendar. So every time Jesus looks at any date, like on a newspaper or receipt, it’s an immediate reminder of how old he is. That’s got to be tough. But at the same time, he’s been going through this for a couple of thousand years. How much advance warning do you need?
We thought Dick Clark would cheer him up but the poor guy is still recovering from his stroke and nothing makes you feel old and in the shitter like watching a guy with multiple face lifts slur his way around a countdown. I mean the guy went front “13” to “10”!
Then they switched to Seacrest. Everybody gives old Ryan a tough time but I like him. He’s just funny enough to make you smile and it’s a good bet he’ll say at least two stupid things an hour and then crack on himself for it. I love it when he tries to out bitch Juliana on E! news.
Fergie was hosting from Las Vegas. I don’t know what it is but her face is weird. Really weird. Something is not right about it but I can’t figure out what. Even Jesus agrees that she has a rockin bod but her face “has serious issues.” Some scientists from NIH should do some lab work on her and figure out what the hell is going on there. Kirk says that her real name is Edward Estevez and that she’s Emilio’s long lost retarded brother who just happens to be a great dancer. And looking at her then, I really couldn’t argue one bit.
Then the horror show continued as Dick Clark and some chick that may or may not have been his wife (I said nurse. Jesus said older cousin.) made out geriatric style. It was like watching two paramecium mate! That really depressed Jesus.
